green noise

It is official. I hate tourists. Not even a little – I hate them a lot. Like in a shooting-poison-daggers-with-my-eyes, wishing-fire-and-brimstone-upon-them-all kind of way.

Every weekday morning, I have to fight through the crowds to get to my office…I have to stop multiple times so I don’t end up in someone’s photo of smiling relatives in front of the WTC (it’s a fucking construction site that was previously a mass grave, people – it’s not Disneyland), and I’m sick of having to take off my headphones to direct them to whatever place is apparently more important than what I happen to be listening to (I can be a little less uptight about this one now that Lost is on summer break and I don’t have to keep up with the podcasts, but I still get a little ansty when someone disrupts “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me). These things annoy me a bit every day, and it builds up after a while into an all encompassing grump-fest.

This past Monday morning, however, they were in rare form. Not only were they blocking the sidewalk (hey, here’s a hint – the word “walk” in the term sidewalk? It’s not merely a suggestion – it’s what you do on a sidewalk. As opposed to congregating like cattle. Get out of my fucking way!) but there were so many that I had to go around them and walk into the middle of the street to get by. Or I would have walked into the middle of the street had I not been bumped on the way, which caused me to step onto the curb, where I immediately rolled my ankle (the same one from the infamous Dance Dance Revolution incident of 2006), which caused me to fall (of all the days to be wearing a dress), subsequently skinning both my knees and jamming my wrist (2 days later, and I’m noticing pain in my ribcage, too. Joy!). In front of about 75 spectators. With cameras. I am not pleased. And something tells me that I ended up in someone’s “Hey, look what I saw in New York!” vacation photos.

Now, before all you travelers out there get your panties in a bunch, please let me make a distinction here. Travelers are not the same as tourists. Travelers are capable of visiting a foreign and exotic place (such as Manhattan) and not going batshit fucking crazy. They can take in the sights, read maps, take photos, ride the subway, and all manner of wondrous feats, all without being a nuisance. They understand basic courtesy, and the fact that even though they’re on vacation, not everyone else in the city is. I love these people. Their excitement at being in my city makes me proud that I live here. And their ability to keep their heads on straight makes me not want to smack them. This is a good thing.

Tourists, on the other hand, are the loud, obnoxious, ungainly subset of this otherwise delightful group of people. They’re the ones parading around the city in their “I <3 NY” shirts and fanny packs, taking up space on crowded subway with their fully unfolded city maps, and stopping short on the sidewalks to take snapshots of every building they think *might* be the Empire State (here’s a hint – if you’re downtown, it’s not it. And don’t get annoyed if I end up bumping into your fanny pack. You stopped for no reason, and those things are tacky anyway.) These are the people I encountered on Monday, the ones that make me want to say and do things that will set back the progress of NYC’s “tourist friendly” reputation at least 30 years.

But I don’t say or do these things. I’m a lover, not a fighter. So what do I do instead? I hold back the tide of rage, preferring instead to let it go in random, snarky Twitter posts. And now, I’ve decided to do one better and offer you, potential visitors to my city, the Greatest City in The World, some tips on how to enjoy your time here without incurring the wrath of locals less restrained than myself. And now I present you with:

8 Simple Rules for Visiting my Fair City

1. That city map you cling to that folds out to roughly the size of the Yankees infield rain tarp? Ditch it. It only draws attention to you and your family, which makes you a prime candidate for a mugging, snide comments, or both. Plus, if you’re reading it on the subway, you just look like a jerk. There are lovely maps on display in all the subway cars; they’re encased in Plexiglas, and you don’t even have to worry about refolding them. See, this is all about you.

2. If you’re going on a sightseeing outing (particularly with a group of people), DO NOT INSIST ON WEARING AN I <3 NY SHIRT! You don’t look original, or cute, or (bless you for trying) a local. You look like a sheep. Yes, New Yorkers do “heart” New York, but it’s more complicated than anything you could express on a t-shirt, and it’s certainly not something that can develop over a long weekend of sightseeing. Just throw on whatever you wear when you’re in Topeka or Austin or wherever you come from and go do your thing.

3. Fanny packs. I believe I’ve covered this. If you have to carry more than a wallet and a cell phone, may I suggest a backpack? Practical, comfortable, far less douchey. Enough said.

4. Don’t ask the locals where the tourist spots are. All this does is piss us off. New York is full of so many wonderful places to see, and we’re happy to direct you to them. Hell, I’m more than happy to recommend a whole slew of nifty “only in New York” kind of places. But all of the touristy places are sign-marked, and any cabbie or city map (bearing in mind rule 1) can direct you there. Also, many New Yorkers are touchy about the World Trade Center (wounds like that run pretty deep) so it’s not uncommon to ask how to get there and end up being directed to Harlem.

5. If you must ask someone how to get to your intended location, look for someone who’s not listening to headphones or in the middle of a phone call. This isn’t particular to New York, it’s called common courtesy, and you’d be surprised how often people forget that.

6. Keep your wallet out of sight! Not all New Yorkers are out to beat you up and take your lunch money. But it does happen. Whipping out your wallet on a subway or in the middle of a busy sidewalk is an invitation to get ripped off.

7. Keep the sidewalks clear!!! Like I said before, the “walk” part of that word is key. I’m not suggesting that if you have to stop, you step out into the streets (as I learned, that’s dangerous.) But at least move to the side. People in this city are always on the move, and having to stop because a sidewalk full of people is entranced by the sight of a genuine New York hot dog cart can really mess with our groove.

8. New York City is not a theme park. Therefore, if you bring your kids, you don’t want the locals to have to parent them for you. Because they’ll be treated just like anyone else. If Billy and Susie are bouncing off the walls (particularly on a subway during commuter hours), being loud and disruptive, or bumping into people left and right in Times Square, they will be treated exactly the same way as an adult would if they were doing the same thing. This isn’t out of cruelty or rudeness or because we don’t think your kids aren’t “so adorable” when they’re singing “Spongebob Squarepants” for the 57th time or using the subway bars as their own personal jungle gym on a packed train during afternoon rush hour. It’s because you’re in our universe, and we implore you to remember that. All due respect to how things are done in Mayberry, but this is New York, and we’ve got our own issues to deal with.

I don’t want anyone to fear coming to New York. Like I said, this is the greatest city in the world. But you have to keep in mind the personality of the people who live here. We just want to live our lives without being intruded upon or inconvenienced. So when you step into our city (or nearly any vacation city, for that matter), take these rules to heart. Unless you’re on vacation someplace that’s going to cater to your every whim, chances are you’re going to encounter people who live their everyday lives in the places you choose to visit. And if you want to have great memories of that place, it’s best not to piss off the natives.